Searching the Soul
by engine47
Summary: You called this a relationship. I kiss his forehead. A short series of Season Four vignettes. LilahWesley.
1. Slouching Towards Bethlehem

"It's not a secret," I said to him. He looked down at me.

"What isn't a secret?" he asked.

"Us," I replied. "The firm knows that we're doing...this." And I know that I should care. I could lose my job over it. I think... I think I could start caring about him. But I'd never show it, not even if anyone paid me. I sold my soul to Wolfram and Hart I've grown used to acting like I don't have one. The behavior is natural now.

"Isn't it their job to know this sort of thing? The sordid details of their employees' lives?" He asks. Yes. But they don't know everything. They can't know everything. And if they do know all about my life...before, they haven't said anything.

"Mmm...Yeah, I just thought I should tell you. Rrreow. Angel knows too." I mentally kick myself for saying that. No matter how much he says he doesn't care, I still know differently. It was a cheap shot. The glamour around me has become so natural, that I'm starting to think that I've become that bitch. The one who can't control what comes out of her mouth, the one who doesn't care. I push away the guilt.

"I don't work for Angel anymore. I could care less what he thinks," Wesley said. Liar. I know that feeling. The despair and sadness that feels so deep, you can drown in it. The one that makes you harden and put up a wall around yourself and your emotions.

"You faker. That's what you said when he was sleeping with the fishes. We both know how that played out." Do we? Wolfram and Hart think they know everything. About me, Wesley, and Angel. There's so much more.

"That was different. So Angel knows about our relationship. Big deal." He said. My eyes open quickly. Did he just say....? No. I can't. It probably just slipped out anyway, it's not like he probably really meant it. I push away the flash of emotion- love, comfort, affection- before it overcomes me. I smirk.

"A dollar. You owe me a dollar," I said playfully. There. Now that wasn't so hard, was it? No real emotion there.

"Oh, damn!" he said. I smile.

"You called this a relationship." I kiss his forehead. "You lost the bet. You said it first. Sign it first, as proof." I want to remember this. No, correction, not me, that small little girl inside of me who still feels things. She's not me. She'll never be me. I am different now. But I still want to remember.

"Proof of what?" he asked curiously. I smile serenely at him. And then I say,

"Of now. Of this."

It's the first time I think I've showed true emotion in years.


	2. Super Symmetry

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the WB and all other companies that own Angel. All dialogue comes from Angel episode 4.5 'Super Symmetry'.

"Surprise!" I say cheerfully. I hand him a present in a large box. Maybe I can say some things to him through presents. Well, maybe. I don't think so though.

"A bribe. How thoughtful," he says. A flash of hurt goes through me, but dissipates quickly. This is just what our 'relationship' is. I wonder if he even remembers that. I give him the box and walk by him so he can't see the look on my face.

"No, it can't be a bribe," he says, "It must be a setup." I look at him.

"Can't it just be-a gift?" I reply with a small smile on my face. He looks at me and I laugh.

"Open it," I say. I really want to know if he likes it. I hope so. It took me hours to pick out. He opens and sees the helmet made out of armor.

"We seem to be butting heads lately. Now you'll have the advantage," I say.

"This must have cost a fortune," he says. It did. But he was worth it. Correction, he is worth it but I can't tell him that. Maybe he'll recognize that through the gift. Probably not though, so then we'll talk in the only way we know how to communicate- sex.

"Yes," I say. "It'll take you-hours-to thank me properly. Fortunately I've taken the afternoon off." See? There I go again. Before he even says anything, I'm so afraid he'll reject me that I already move to sex instead of talking. I hate myself sometimes. Well, actually, all the time. I kiss him, and then move my hands to start unbuttoning his shirt. He captures my hands and my breath catches in my throat. Maybe he wants to talk, maybe even open up a little bit! Maybe he wants to move further emotionally rather that physically. I start to let my guard down halfway.

"I have to leave actually," he says. He moves away from me and moves towards the door. "But thank you, Lilah, for the gift." He leaves and I sigh. I pick up the paper on top of the helmet, and that's when I see it. The article. "Super Symmetry and P-Dimensional Subspace" by Winifred Burkle. Fred. The Texan gal who he's in love with.

I feel a tear start to form in my eye but I turn away before it can land on the helmet and start to make it rust. I'm out the door of his apartment in a few seconds.

But I wasn't fast enough to turn around before that tear fell and made a large splotch on the article, blending together the 'd' and the 'B' of Winifred Burkle's name.

----------

Later I stand by the door of the lecture hall, watching Fred make her speech about string compactification theory or whatever. He's sitting there, watching her. I hold back tears, and keeping a neutral expression as I watch. At least, I hope it's neutral. I don't want to look sad. Not that I am sad. Or jealous. Or anything like that. I'm definitely not.

But I can't help but remember the tear that fell on her article earlier, 'Super Symmetry and P-Dimensional subspace' by 'Winifreurkle'. The 'd' and the 'B' gone because of my tear.


End file.
